HOME
 ABOUT US HARRIS YMCA SINGLE PARENT FAMILY GROUP SINGLE PARENT ISSUES RESOURCES INSPIRATION E-CARDS CONTACT US |
He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you." We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said goodbye. But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones, young and old. Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My son stood beside me very still. When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. "Move out of the way," I said with a frown. He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken. While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said, "While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the family you love, you seem to abuse. Go and look on the kitchen floor, You'll find some flowers there by the door. Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue. He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes." By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall. I quietly went and knelt by his bed; "Wake up, little one, wake up," I said. "Are these the flowers you picked for me?" He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree. I picked 'em because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue." I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have yelled at you that way." He said, "Oh, Mom,! that's okay. I love you anyway." I said, "Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue." - Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think?
Staying resilient is like staying in shape -- some are born lucky, but most of us have to work at it. Below you'll find ten ways to bounce back from challenges and change and the pressures you face at work and at home. · Find a sense of purpose Resilient people have a passion or purpose that nourishes and sustains them. It might be spending time with a sick relative or volunteering for a community organization. Complete this sentence: "If money were no object and I had all the time in the world, I would . . . Paint? Work with children? Get in shape?" Identify what activities bring you a sense of fulfillment and personal satisfaction. Then figure out how to translate your dreams into action. You could enroll in a class at night, or help out at a community organization. Activities outside of work that give you a sense of purpose can keep you going and feeling strong, especially during difficult times. · Have a positive outlook Thoughts like, "It's terrible and I can't do anything about it," wear down your resilience. Turn negative thoughts into positive action and you'll feel better. Here's how. Ask yourself, "What can I do today to feel better?" Tell yourself, "I'm going to feel better. Things are going to get better." Focus on the part of your life that feels good today and avoid wasting anger or negative energy on trivial things. Try not to let small annoyances affect your mood. Spend time with people you like and doing things you like to do. Use humor to help you see the positive. Spend time with funny people. Plan something today that you can look forward to. Remember that optimism is a skill you can learn. It just takes practice. · Take pleasure in the small joys of life The small joys of life are what renew us, give us peace, and keep us feeling strong. They also sustain us during times of crisis and challenge. Make time for small joys such as being outdoors, being with family and friends, and doing things you like such as reading, gardening, cooking, fishing, walking, or getting exercise. · Take an active approach to solving your problems Resilient people have an ability to negotiate and renegotiate life. That means being able to anticipate problems and come up with solutions. Here are some ways to successfully tackle problems:
- Seek input from knowledgeable people you trust who can provide you with resources, information, and ideas. - Don't deny your problems, ignore them, or let them weigh on your mind. - Use some of the skills you've learned at work to help you manage your personal life. At work, you tackle a problem by gathering information and resources and by breaking big tasks into defined and manageable steps. Use some of those same skills to handle problems at home. - Find ways to simplify and organize your life so that the problems and challenges you are facing are manageable. Look for things you can do to feel less overwhelmed. You might spend weekend time organizing and simplifying to make things easier for the week ahead. - Try to focus on the things that you have control over. For example, if you are caring for a relative with a chronic illness, you have control over your thoughts and emotions when you are away from your relative. Try to put aside sad thoughts about your relative while you are at work. If you focus on your job and the things you do have control over, you may feel better and your problems may not seem so overwhelming. - Look back to how you successfully handled problems in the past. Ask yourself, "How did I get through it? How can that knowledge help me now?" · Rely on and help others Asking for help is hard for many of us. Do you ask a good friend for advice when you need it? Do you ask a co-worker or your manager for support when you are feeling overloaded? If your child is having a problem do you ask for support from the teacher? Paying attention to what you need and asking for help is a sign of resourcefulness and strength, not weakness. And it will help you feel stronger and more resilient. Talk about what you are going through with others. Learn from people who have been through what you are going through. Don't wait for someone to call you. Be the initiator. Get used to accepting help. If you are facing a challenge and a neighbor or friend offers help with meals or rides, allow yourself to accept the help. Join a support group if you are going through a difficult time. Support groups can be a tremendously helpful way to cope with grief, loss, divorce, a chronic illness, personal problems, family problems, and other issues. Be there for people you care about and they'll be there for you. · Take care of yourself You can't be resilient, no matter how hard you work at it, if you don't take care of yourself. If you're physically exhausted or overextended emotionally, it's twice as hard to bounce back and get through a difficult time.
- Take your vacation days or personal days from work. - Get exercise. Studies show that resilient people exercise more than other people. - Keep your life simple. Plan simple meals. Resist signing up for too many activities and committees. Don't be afraid to say "no." - Limit how much caffeine and alcohol you drink. - Stick to what some experts call the "80/20" rule in your eating. If 80 percent of what you eat is healthy -- with a nutritious, low-fat mix of vegetables, fruit, and grains -- then you can allow yourself to eat what you want for the remaining 20 percent. - Pay extra attention to taking care of yourself if you are experiencing a stressful life event such as a separation, a job change, or the death of a relative or friend. - Take time to recover. Just as you need time to recover from a physical illness, you also need time to recover when you experience emotional setbacks or losses. Think about how you recover from a cold or a case of the flu: you rest and take care of yourself. You need to do the same when you are recovering emotionally. When your emotional resilience is worn down, you need to pay extra attention to getting enough rest, eating balanced meals, making time for relaxation, and seeking support from the people you love. · Keep learning and growing When was the last time you learned something new, made a new friend, or pursued a new hobby or interest? Take advantage of opportunities at work and in your personal life to learn and grow. You might learn a new computer or technical skill, a new language, or a new game or sport. Stop yourself from thinking and saying, "I'm too old to . . . ride a bike . . . learn a new language . . . taking up walking." Learning makes you feel capable, fulfilled, and more resilient. · Be ready for change The ability to handle change is a key survival skill of all resilient people. Try to anticipate change and look ahead to see what's coming. That way you'll be prepared for the next change when it happens. Make a conscious effort to stay flexible. When you catch yourself saying "no" to an invitation, say "yes" instead. Realize that the only real way to change is to do something more than once. For example, if you want to change your habits and get more exercise, you have to keep at it week after week until this change becomes part of your routine. · Be a doer, not a complainer The primary way people bounce back is by doing things. Get involved. Enroll in a class or volunteer to help a friend, neighbor, or relative in need. Tell yourself, "I'm going to take this step." Remind yourself that resilience is about taking charge. Start with the small step you can take right away, rather than waiting to take the big step and maybe never getting to it. For example, spend an hour every week on a big cleanup project that's been making you feel guilty. Plan things to look forward to. Work on a plan for today, tomorrow, next week. · Work on reducing stress in your life Most of us are familiar with the classic symptoms of stress: sleep problems; trouble concentrating; headaches, stomachaches, neck, shoulder, or back pain; heart palpitations; lack of energy. But are you aware of the negative "spillover" stress can have on your personal relationships, your home life, and your ability to bounce back and cope with everyday activities? Here are some ways to work on reducing stress in your life:
- Try to pinpoint what's causing your stress. Identify the problem or source of your stress. Sometimes we feel sad and are not sure why. Identifying what is truly bothering you is half the battle. - Make an effort to simplify your life, especially if you are under a lot of stress or are recovering from a crisis. Drop commitments you're able to drop that deplete you. - Find ways to relieve tension. Try relaxing your shoulders when you're tense. Roll your shoulders forward and then back in a rotating motion. Enroll in a meditation or yoga class. - Seek support in your faith community. Faith, religion, and spirituality help many people move from worry to hope, and stay strong and resilient through life's ups and downs. - Let go of your anger. Anger is a negative emotion that consumes a lot of mental energy. And it makes you feel more stressed. How often do you find yourself saying, "It's not fair!" "It's all your fault!" Learn to let go of your anger and forgive and move on. You'll have more energy and feel more resilient. |
We all get email from friends passing along little "gems" of wisdom. This is a email I received from a friend which does such a great job reminding me that my attitude toward life is a decision I make every day:
| ATTITUDE |
who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock,
with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied,
even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move
necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby
of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.
As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator,
I provided a visual description of her tiny room,
including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.
"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old
having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is
arranged...
it's how I arrange my mind.
I already decided to love it .
"It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.
I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed
recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no
longer work,
or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open
I'll focus on the new day
and all the happy memories I've stored away ...
just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account .
you withdraw from what you've put in ..
So during my life, I deposited in the bank account of memories
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank.
I am still depositing.
|
Recommended Reading
|
Bringing up Boysby Dr. James C. Dobson Boys are different! But with pressure to be "gender neutral," many try to mold children into a one-size-fits-all model. Dr. Dobson explains why boys are the way they are, how to understand their emotional and physical development, and how best to motivate them into becoming godly men. Great book for single moms raising sons. You can purchase this book on Focus on the Family's web site |